So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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