Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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