Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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