Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
