Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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