the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
