apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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