Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
