is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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