Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
