I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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