Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
