my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize