i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
