Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
