I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
