We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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