If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
