Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
