Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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