So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
