Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
