i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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