I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
