Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
