dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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