Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The maid of honor just puked.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize