So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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