my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
