new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
