Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
