we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
