spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize