dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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