WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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