i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
