just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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