That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
