This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize