Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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