I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize