Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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