Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
