I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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