I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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