I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
