so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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