I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
