I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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