I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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