Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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