Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
