I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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