I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
