Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
