Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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