Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
