fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
