so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
