the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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