you will always have a special place in my vag
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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