my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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