theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
