paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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