dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
