Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize