when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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