ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
