There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
